verbal and emotional abuse
I married my husband in 2012. Our marriage was arranged. I must admit that we never got the chance to meet often as we were based in different cities. I never wanted this marriage in the first place but was indirectly emotionally pushed into it by my aging mother. My mother was convinced by my mother in law that my husband had never been in a relationship, which turn out to be a lie, of course. What pinches me is why she lied...?? Of course, my old fashioned mother believed but for me, I didn't care whether he had ex girlfriends or not. I have 19 month old son now.
Our verbal argument is so frequent..that most of the time I feel our marriage is not going to work.
First, when I was 8month pregnant, I discovered that my husband had never formally broken up with his ex-girlfriend who kept sending flirty messages to him. He texted night after night politely to her. Once I came to know about it. I confronted him with that why he didn't tell me all about this girlfriend of him, he said he never liked her so that's why he didn't marry her. Of course, how can he marry her, she is of different race and region, his patents will never accept her. I told him to stop replying to her and snapped the contact. He refused flatly that he is friend with all his exes, so he will keep in touch with her. When I told my mom-in-law, she told me "is it that girl?" She knew about her before coming to my parents about the marriage. And when my mother in law gave some gyaan to my husband, he promised her he will stop the contact. I still have no idea whether he contacts her or vice versa..as WhatsApp messages can be deleted.
I tried to moved on from that episode. My husband is very controlling,manipulative, short tempered, foul mouth, arrogant. But he can he nice at other times. We are based abroad, I delivered my son abroad with no help from relatives or from my husband. Just after normal delivery, I cook the meal myself, my verbally abusive husband kept telling me not be "able nari or helpless woman,lethargic woman".
When I was down with high fever with the baby, he kept scolding me...calling me names and that we don't have servant to cook, ordering me to get some energy and cook.
After my marriage, I discovered that my husband is the boss of his house, he has an elder and younger brothers and elder sister who are all married. But what shocked me is that his parents, they are so afraid of him when he is angry or upset that they can literally pee. I have never seen them raising their voice to him. They even made all his siblings to follow his orders. He lost a CD, for which everyone in the house search as if military combing operation was going on. I was so shocked that i have no words to describe what I have seen. My mother in law keeps telling in front of every one that my husband is his favorite and most loved child, everything he says is right and whatever advice he gives me is good for me. When my husband went to get his tooth extracted when we went home, my mother in law didn't have food, waited all alone in the veranda till he comes back and keeps telling me that his son must be in pain. When he came back, she was scared to speak a word to him thinking he might get angry as he was in pain. When abroad, right after my delivery, I spoke to my mother in law once, she never asked me how I was or how was my health? She kept telling me that her son must be tired and exhausted.
My husband also reciprocates the same love that his mother has showered him. He keeps telling me that if I speak a bad word about his mother, I will have to face consequences and that if I speak about her, I should be very careful. Everyone in the family believe that my mother in law survived her kidney failure because of him. True, he was stubborn that his mother should survive. I respect that.
But I never imagined I would be verbally abused, my parents and family disrespected and I being insulted everyday. My husband told me several times that he don't give a damn about anyone,my family or anyone. He respect and care only his family.
Whenever he verbally abused me, he never forgets to mention my bro-in-laws, my parents.
He has given me few things to improve on.
1) my grooming
3) my personality (to be more smart and presentable)
I am someone who believe I don't lack in anything. I know post pregnancy I have gain weight and have had less time to groom myself much with my toddler running around and being a picky eater.
My husband never helps me in household chores nor taking care or at least spending time with our son while I am cooking. He always complains that he can't work with the kid running around. I keep the house clean but he searches and try to pick out every small things here and there to start a fight. There was a small polythene bag falling around.. He verbally abused me badly....calling me unhygienic woman and so on. I told him that the house is clean but can't he pick up that polythene which was there? He got more angry when I reply back. He told me if I wanted to speak to him then I must lowered my voice. He wanted me to slice onion for him. I did as thin as he wanted, he started complaining that I don't know how to manage a house, a kitchen or cooking. He humiliated me further by telling me that he will teach me how to slice onion. After he finish, I asked him what is the difference between the ones I sliced and he did.. I blasted him that if he wanted to calculate in micro milimiter, I am ready for it... I told him directly his brain is cracked.
We do grocery every weekend, and once his uncle was visiting us in the US. I bought the small brinjal a little more than we usually buy. He got so angry with me calling me names, telling me to marry other men like my bro-in- laws who won't complain. He told me I don't know how to managed a house, grocery or kitchen. I got so angry that I told him that I bought it more because next weekend when uncle will be here, we don't know whether we will be going visiting places and whether he( my husband will get time for doing grocery shopping). I told him that he must be the only man on earth who can stoop so low by mentioning my bro-in -laws for a few brinjal.
He cannot tolerate any mistake I do or I don't... He keep bringing out the divorce option and threatening me to make my life hell if I don't improve my ways.
I have told about all this things to my sister but not my mother who is grieving from my father's demise. The last time I went home to my country for my dead father religious ceremonies, my mother in law didn't show any sympathy at me. She kept verbally abusing me directly and indirectly with sarcasm. My husband complained to her about me a lot( without even thinking that I was grieving for my father at that time). That was the first time I went home after my marriage.
My mother accused me indirectly that I must be happy staying abroad but she is not, her son is not. And that her son was staying abroad to buy a flat at home without loan. I told her how will I be happy without my career...sacrificing my career. She kept gossiping to our house maid about me so loud so that I hear. I went to my paternal home everyday until the final ceremony of my father was over. She asked me in front of my sister-in-laws whether I was useful going home in any household work with the toddler around!!?? How can she asked that only after the first day I visited my mother!!?? I was so shocked at her remark that I was numb. Before, I could react my sister in laws and replied with a slight laugh that I should attend all the ceremonies that go on for 13 days after someone dies. My own sisters were fuming with anger and asked me to asked my mother in law that is it OK if I skip her religious ceremony after her dead?? To add further humiliation, she called me and asked me that since its a custom to give monetary help to my mother as every relatives give, how much should she give on behalf of me and my husband, my mother in law asked me to ask my sisters "how much they are giving since my only elder brother is not an officer(reminding me that my brother was jobless)"!! I told my sisters are giving as much as they can afford. My sisters were very angry at this remark and told that we are not beggars. We wanted to tell our mother not to accept the money, since only few days had passed since my father passed away, we thought its better not tell our mother anything because we would have to tell her everything and make her more depressed. One thing is very clear. Neither my husband nor my mother in laws respect my family. They think they have more class because they are more rich and all their family members have govt jobs and are earning whereas in my family, I was the only earner before marriage, both my sisters are house wives, my brother left his job in the city to take care of my father who used to suffer from frequent strokes. My father died of his 4th stroke attack. Since there is no private company job in my hometown and govt job is for someone who can bribe in lakhs of rupees, my brother has started small business. I don't know how long I can tolerate this humiliation, I keep quiet because I don't want to loose my mother who is a heart patient.
One thing for sure is my mother in law has pampered my husband beyond repair, she worships him like god and is afraid of him like death. She once told me that his son will never lie or say anything which is wrong when I told her that he does not help me with the kid or cooking or cleaning. She just told me that her son told him that he does everything and manages everything !! And she believes that!! Whenever I complain to her about her son's unreasonable verbal abuse, she pretends to support me saying she will talk to him but she never did.