Our marriage was an arranged marriage after each liked in matrimony
Since then she started negotiating
We had agreed for what they could do and afford for marriage.
she started bullying me that you should forgo the agreed household items earlier by them, I had said it is elder's decision and I would support later, she then took a firm commitment that I should give 20 K to her sister's marriage in future, in phone also lot of tensions, by that time invitation cards printed and thinking that all would be fine, i proceeded with the marriage.
we started well, but she was not happy, not even normal feel for life, always said I can't be happy when my family is not happy…really couldn't understand her, there were small mis communications and mis understandings between her and my mom initially, she made a big issue and my mom also slowly withdrew from the pic feeling that we should live in peace and harmony.
I had always taken care of my in-laws during their visits where we lived and maintained respect and decorum.Always she was whimsical and sarcastic in her replies and normal discussion too could never happen between me and her, she always was insecure which I could feel and always supported her and said pl be normal all is fine, she always is suspicious in nature on what we do & always was negative in anything or any discussion.
She conceived and due to travel unaware, we missed that conceiving.
meanwhile I initially handled all expenses through her and she was always not open with her finances handled and on further insistence she shared she had saved 2 K in a month and next month due to my other loan commitments I had given 2 K less, but she made a big issue.
Gradually she started talking with disrespect like nee, vaa, poda…sometimes bad words.
I started feeling pressure and she always maintained all from their side and my side in isolation.
She was slowly bullying me for speaking to my mom, chitthis and my cousins…couldn’t explain how tricky and torturous those were and I adjusted to all her needs and tried to accommodate all I could for peace and harmony.
Then I got a job opportunity in Gujarat and we moved to live there, she had language issues and all steps for her learning like books, cds for Hindi learning I took efforts and asked her to socialise, but in vain till now.
Always she was not accommodative to house maids and everyone left within a month of work, she herself slowly couldn’t carry on cooking which was of her low interest.
Always was making excuses to go to her mom's house, saying my bro is coming from USA or leaving abroad.
every time she had made me bend to her wishes either by genuinely ( very minimal) & forced arguing and nagging ( most of the time)
Earlier after marriage she had said , she met with an accident , very critical and her fingers even now are with tremors, I asked how and she said while crossing road , hit by a bike and I dint go in deep at that time.
Once she got an appointment to meet her old Neuro Doctor and we said we would visit together, but that time also she said some excuse and visited dr. alone avoiding me.
I dint really seriously feel fishy at that time, but I was unable to handle her swings and behaviour.
I joined the co. in Gujarat in 2009 and my med check-up was clean,
Due to enormous stress mounting in my life gradually I was detected diabetes in 2010, till now from then she couldn’t take care of me with bare minimum needs and was always bullying and fighting on petty issues, further detonating my health, she put false accusations that after marrying me her health got spoiled.
after frequent reviews with Dr.for our child, atlas I was subjected to sperm test and due to diabetes impact at that time my count was low, in July 2010, but by grace of god she got conceived in July 2010, but this test report she took has weapon and always tried to insult me, no words to explain in a parliamentary way even.
Always she was paranoid about caesarean and so was her maternal side, she was having pregnancy induced BP issue and we decided to see the pregnancy at my place in Gujarat , a call I took on grounds of her and child safety.
Both mothers mine and hers came for the delivery and lot of misunderstanding happened and my mom had to leave so early due to the knaggy and tricky behaviour of my wife.
I felt after pregnancy stress is driving her crazy and she would settle.
Few days later she had big issues with her mother too and my m-in law asked for immediate ticket and I arranged.
I and she started taking care of our child Pranav.
Since she was not able to sit down due to knee issues, I always bathed my child since the time he was with me and always did all good and possible things for him, but she started bullying for all I did for him, saying this is not good with paranoid references.
She was to my surprise was talking all bad about their maternal side and I have always said, pl don’t share this way.
Whenever unbearable situations came I had shared to her sister and brother, but no one counselled her, but instead her mom, put pressure on me why I’m talking to young people and she was also not understanding the real intensity.
it was concluded by my wife and my in-laws that I’m the person who is the scape goat given by chance or by god and always took advantage of my adjusting behaviour of mine to save this relationship.,
Every year there was one or other functions at my in-laws house and I had always stretched myself on all grounds.
after pregnancy, after 3 months she went to my in-laws house, there her sister was also there after her delivery, I got a call from my m-in law that it is getting unbearable with her own daughter (my wife) and to come and take her back, even my wife insisted same, with lots of pressure and low finances, i had to travel overnight and bring my family in flight, i had a very critical situation at that time at my co. as well.
She was never aware of my work or the stress in it or my role and responsibility ever.
She was said to be a graduate in economics, but no such traits observed till now in her outlook towards life, society.
Always she was insecure and she even asked me whether I can’t buy our home in her name, I then explained based on earning member loan is sanctioned.
She behaved so differently and non-co-operative and her actions where with lot of swings during the grahapravesam and my in-laws too came late, she had lot of ego and intolerance and non-acceptance for aligning herself into husband's family, till now it continues.
Always she used to threaten me and emotionally black mailing me, saying I would kill you by poisoning me and killing herself and child too.
Since I used to handle all finances due to her language issues in north, she became further insecure as ever.
Always she was uncomfortable with the houses we lived in, due to her undue pressure and non-co-operation I had to shift homes in Gujarat twice.
Then I got a job in Faridabad and we moved there.
There also a house for rent of reasonable amount and locality was fixed, she couldn’t take that and again wanted to change the same & I had to pay an increased amount in rent.
Her misunderstandings, sarcastic replies and non-co-operation of cooking on health grounds always continued and I used to be patient and bring foods from outside, but for child she was taking care, but with lot of extreme care and stuffing lot of food leading to his vomiting & still it continues.
she was so worried for speech delay in Pranav and said we need to do an assessment , I said if then Ok, let’s do the same as she wished in Chennai , Dr.Jayanthini--reference she got from her sister or someone, I also said based on that we shall put him in school, but she kept me unclear as always and forced me to pay 16 K for fees to Kid zee and 2 months he went there, he was unable to cope with 3 languages , English & Hindi at school & Tamil at home, she never socialised in all living with me along with neighbours, always no maid could work more than a month.
Suddenly in August 2013 she said, she would go for assessment as her sister is also there in Chennai and with 10 days of clothes she left.
assessment said mild ADHD is there and needs therapy, she was confused and kept me confused w.r.t therapist and so knaggy she was in fixing and at last fixed one therapist in Teynampet despite my saying to fix one in tambaram / chrompet considering logistic issues too.
She dint agree and I agreed as ever and budgeting of them going to & fro in taxi and theraphy charges all budget I managed without hesitation.
She was living with her mother on G.floor , where is Brother and his wife lived on F.Floor.
Despite of me saying her to stay at my mom's house at Valasarawakkam , which was so near w.r.t logistics and expenses and also as a moral place of living , she dint agree , lot of calls and lot of discussion happened, but she wanted to stay in selaiyur only.
her incompatibility with her mom and in-laws emerged and I got call from his brother, u pls arrange for your wife's stay, she can’t live here and their mom is being in deep stress and also him, I said pl ask her to go to my mom's place, she refused profusely, my in-laws never guided her to align & live with me.
At last as she wished the G.floor rent I had to take and my bro in law moved his mother to F.floor and he shifted to Porur.
with great financial strain I had to manage, we were living in a house in Faridabad and I was hoping she would return soon, then I had to move to a lesser rent bachelor accommodation in Faridabad to balance the rental expenses of the G.floor house which she decided and made me forcefully accept, i moved all major things to G.floor house in selayur, for which she is still nagging me that i put all things here and always escapes from the decision she forces me and all my in-laws unsupportive.
Since then I felt something is really wrong in her behavioural and swings pattern and asked help to my bro in law for a counselling / assessment and real help.
but always I was turned down and at last a family counselling idea was accepted, I agreed and asked them only to suggest being a gentleman
They suggested a counsellor known to them, I was on phone with them as I’m working in north and my wife used to attend one to one counselling.
That time the counsellor asked me, did u ask about the head injury accident in her life, I was shocked, but never could I discuss because she always was not open about it.
Then within 3 sittings the counsellor said if u want to live amicably live else u decide, I was shocked by that but no option as ever to pray again. The counsellor even at a point agreed for a reference to Dr.Mohan Raj ( psychiatrist ) for her , I said I’m far and my in-laws also non responsive, but she said she would arrange for an escort, but later after couple of days the counsellor dropped the idea of same .
With so much stress, diabetes in health condition, I continued my working in north and was trying to relocate to south, but I got an opportunity in a north based co. And I had to choose and also for child’s welfare we had a situation where she needs to manage.
But her constant phone nagging and bullying continued as ever.
she put me on line with the therapist she decided for an issue and while talking he revealed that she doesn’t come regularly for the therapy , the after she said that therapist is not good and she changed to a tamabaram based therapist all on her own will and fancies and making me forcefully agree for the same.
I met that therapist also during my visit to Chennai.
Every 3-4 months I was planning for a goodtime with them for about a week and always she was non-cooperative and was dragging me to unwanted arguments.
Always she had a habit of saying I’m the reason for all...be it anything and this blaming I could not bear.
Her behavioural pattern is still abnormal with extreme peaks of high arguing, fighting mode to immediate low mode and being normal.
at last in august 2014 we had an argument, she became physical beating me on my ribs, but above all she threatened that she will kill herself and the child and I was helpless and really don’t know what would keep her in peace and harmony.
That time their family friend Father (Christian) was there and they discussed with me, I clearly said if they agree for your mediation, I agree too with fullest hope.
I had asked for her head injury details and reports as I need to live with her for my rest of life and was unconditionally willing to take up any expenses for its correction & if they claim she is normal.
I dint get any positive response even from the mediator on verbal discussion, but instead a dragging talk was on place and at last he asked me 2 months’ time for the same and would get the needful details speaking to my in laws.
If it was my sister or my daughter I would lead these, but being spouse, I felt and all would accept that they should lead the same for her assessment and be open with what happened to her during head injury.
I mailed, spoke to that father and he said he was bit busy and do the needful, till date in vain.
The days are getting worse even at a distance and her swings keeps me baffled and perplexed.
Above all non-cooperation by my in-laws.
during last April 2014, my bro in law came for my son's B day celeb at selaiyur and gave 10 K Rs., I said don’t gift this much, his reply shocked me that she said, My wife had given that money to him and also he said after 3 years that he would wish to repay for the delivery charges which i refused and this indicates my wife always wanted to help my in-laws, but without informing me is not accepatable at all.
during my last job change I shared I need to pay notice period in tune of 3 lacs and I said I’m arranging from my father and friend, she immediately said she would help me, so it clearly clarified that she has got money from me every month on false expense claims and she dint even go to the therapies properly which is main focus, i said until i know the sanctity of this much saving with you , i can’t take it , she left that topic immediately so that further no probing happens.
last October she changed the Tamabram Therapist for the child back to The Teynampet therapist and she didn’t continue there also after October 2014 , which I came to know last month in January 2015
last month due to my ooty trip and family spending for a week's good time, I sent 25 K as she doesn’t go for therapy even, she again started to lose her cool and said she would restart therapy, always she says after my coming to Chennai for a week or so, my son is getting abnormal, which is so unbearable and unacceptable, she has always stopped me from doing all good things to my son by saying one or another mythical reasons.
I’m paying her EB bills online, recharging her phone and every 3 months I come she used to buy all groceries billed to me despite me sending surplus amounts to her.
In phone she said my son was interested in flight travel, so I planned for a ooty trip in a resort with Coimbatore flight travel, all the days were hell with her constant fighting, also during that travel her phone got spoiled and I brought her a new phone and for taking pics it was with me , at that time a call came and she asked me to ans , i answered and it was from a property dealer, also in saved numbers some property dealers numbers where there, it clearly indicates that she wants to save and buy a property without even discussing with me which is so abnormal for a wife.
Already earlier all therapist and counsellors said that my son's growth till 1st standard is important and as he has improved now, his sustenance to it in the present Mother tongue ( Tamil) and English atmosphere is so important, in north again language issues for his development and my frequent travel due to work exigencies is not an advisable place for him to live and my wife's Hindi till date is not initiated to learn, now suddenly to her convenience she is forcing me to come to Chennai immediately or take them to north which both are impractical and not good for my child's growth at any cost, we living together with present issues will lead to a more uncordial atmosphere for my son.
I observe that my wife is not well, having lack of interest towards normal living and her discharge of duties as a wife is not happening to me and above all she is non-integral in her finances and with this swings , it is never good for my son too, living together without her proper assessment and treatment is not possible on all grounds as she threatens to kill herself and my child and her verbal talks with disrespect and messages drive me stressed
She is sarcastic and with sting in her words & moreover talks with disrespect on my sexual traits and this has kept both of us apart due to undue stress.
I really don’t know how to cope with this and more worried for our relation and our child's welfare.
I request them for a clear assessment of her with psychologist & psychiatrist with open mind and corrective actions for the same as deemed fit and all expenses I shall bear and my in-laws need to take care of the issue and help us in continuing our married life, failing which ,
Despite persistent follow ups and request in vain, now I’m forced to ask my wife and my in-laws, why I should not end this non-cordial marriage life which is not going to yield good to anyone, especially my child even if it continues the same way it is now.
Further I had sent a notice through advocate on march 2015 & no response from her & my inlaws.
Again second notice was sent in may & no response till date.
Further my mother in law is saying, it is my responsibility to take them & they will not do anything due to other issues in their life & also told my elders that she would write a letter mentioning my name and she would harm herself.
i m sending money regularly sufficientley & also travel quarterly to be with my son. my inlaws are so cold and un responsive.
Kindly advice what I need to do.