What can I get in this situation when filing a divource
This Marriage proposal started on April 17, 2011.
Ashok had sent an email to my parents, in response to our advertisement in Mathrubhumi matrimony April 17, 2011, stating that he was interested and attached his resume which clearly indicated he can sponsor a family visa (but till date he never sponsored a visa for his spouse to visit him) and also mentioned that he is ready to relocate to stay close to family .After initiating the proposal my parents visited his home and talked to his parents and invited them to our home. However, following my parent’s visit they never contacted us back.
Later on in December when Ashok was visiting India, his father called and asked my father to ask me to visit India just to see him for a week and my father said it is practically impossible unless they are really interested in this proposal and his father replied that he cannot guarantee his son’s decision (because till now we had send our photographs and he had called me a couple of times as well as on skype and talked to me sept 9, and sept 21, 2011); and never heard back from them.
Again in April 3, 2012 Ashok sent an email to me and told me he is interested and wanted to talk with me. I was at work then and busy and I told I can talk may be on Friday evening. Within another couple of hours, he again called me and told me he is very much interested and he is leaving for a race and wanted to talk to me on a Thursday evening. Later on we started talking a couple of times and during one of the conversations I mentioned to him that I am getting other proposals and planning to visit India and get married between June, July 2012 and I was changing my job too, wherein I have to join back on my new job on August 1, 2012. And then I also told him if he is really interested to send his parents to my home to talk to my Dad and without my Dad’s consent I will never take a decision for my marriage.
Then Ashok sent his father to my home and then his BIL and sister and all that they mentioned was they have no demands and they strongly want to go ahead with this marriage proposal. Again after 2 weeks his father visited my home with his uncle and talked about the different traditions in their place, However my parents did tell them that I will be married according to our tradition only and his uncle mentioned to my dad to give maximum gold. Again they made it very clear that they did not have any demands and all that they want is that the marriage should be conducted in Tirupati temple and my parents should arrange for lodging and breakfast for the groom and his people and my parents agreed to it.
Then the engagement took place followed by marriage on July 5, 2012 at Tirupati temple everything according to their demands (lodging, boarding and food was provided) before and after the marriage.
Gold marriage: 27 lakhs rupees
Breakfast+ Lunch 60,000 rupees
Room 35,000 rupees
Transportation: 60,000 rupees
Saree: 31,000 rupees
Wedding invitation letters: 3,000 rupees
Engagement: 10,000 rupees
Video: 25,000 rupees
Reception at my home: 20,000 rupees
My return tickets were booked back for July 18, 2012 from Kolkata .On request from Ashok and his parents I cancelled my tickets and rebooked my new tickets from Mumbai for July 26, 2012 for $989.46 .
During my stay at his home one of the days my FIL mentioned to me after couple of days of marriage that if he would have married any other girl he would have got a dowry of 5 crores. Later on I asked Ashok “what was the reason to get married to me if there was such a thing in their mind”? Gifted gold ring 7 grams to FIL on July 19th 2012. And then after a few days Ashok told me he has a lot of loan and his home is on loan so he needed my gold ornaments to keep for that loan which was a suggestion made by his parents. I agreed to it because immediately after marriage I didn’t want to create any kind of fight in a new home. All gold handed over to Ashok on July 24th, 2012. However the surprising part was that they kept the gold in his parents name and before that he made me open a bank account in a bank to deposit money so that his father can withdraw the money. It was all new for me and I agreed to it because every time he told me he will be coming and living with me soon and get a job soon. I handed over all my gold to my MIL and left to US and they had told me not to tell my parents.
After I came to California US in the first week while I called Ashok he told me to send 10 lakhs to his BIL and I mentioned to him that I don’t have that much money and I need money to move from California to Maryland and I just came back from India and already I have given you all my gold. He was not happy to listen to my answer and he told me after working in the US for the past 4 years you don’t have any savings.
Please remember these calls are all made from my end he never called me although he was in India.
Later on he went back to Korea and then again he always told me he was very busy and when will I be sending him the visa to visit me. I had to expedite my visa processing for him which costed me$ 5000. Further according to the premarital understanding, all educational credentials was processed on Sept 6th 2012 ($500),so that Ashok can apply for jobs and move to USA. Ashok received the new H1 visa on Oct 30th 2012. I sent all documents to Ashok on Oct 30th 2012. He got his visa stamped on Nov 26th for 3 years; visa expires on July 31st 2015. And he was supposed to visit US in Dec 2012. After doing so much for him he could not still apply for jobs and so I asked him not to send me the details of the job applications that he had applied in the US before he come here and repeated requests he could only send 2 applications for job on Nov 30, 2012 and so I asked him not to come here. All through he said he has loans and till date I don’t know exactly how much loan he has or to whom does he owe money and for what did he take these loans? I asked him to talk to my father and even there he could never tell exactly for what he has so many loans and why did he take it? He was never ready to disclose or tell exactly why and how he is going to solve it out. And all through he was busy going for ultramarathon races and travelling around.
The quarrel that existed in December 2012 was because I had asked Ashok to apply for jobs in the USA so that during his visit He could line up the interviews and attend them so that he can move as quickly as possible to USA and we can live together and have a good family life. But to all my requests he just decided to apply for only 2 jobs and never took my requests seriously; I was shocked and shattered at this response and very sad and felt why have I been fooled this way although I have given my 100% commitment to this marriage. Moreover even if Ashok comes here to visit me in December there will be no benefit because everything closes over during Xmas and new year and without lining up any interviews or applying for jobs all the efforts are in wasted. So I had asked Ashok to visit India to his parents instead of me and he was very angry at me for saying that and instead of going to India he went to Vietnam and some other countries(I don’t have any details) and never contacted me for 2 months. Meanwhile he had a conversation with my father who asked him about his loans and his future plans and he never liked my father questioning him.
Since I didn’t have any contacts with Ashok, phone was switched off and when I called his home all that his parents told me is that they don’t know where Ashok is? They never contacted my home nor even tried to find out what was the problem.
Later on in March onwards again I initiated the conversation with him and asked him to visit me in June although every time I asked him to apply for jobs he never took my request seriously at all and never applied for a single job. Ashok came to the US from June 21 –August 27, 2013.)When he came here in June to visit me .and also got him a state id and also a probationary driving licence has my home address I asked him many times to apply for jobs had many fights with him and all that was on deaf ears, at last after repetitive fight he applied for 12 jobs. Although he applied for jobs he never followed it up nor made any effort to try to make contacts to get a job. The whole time was spent to plan for ultramarathon races ($ 400 Garmin watch, shoes $1200 and busy shopping for the races.
On requests to have a family life I was always put down saying he needs time and he was never ready to visit the doctor with me when I went for checkup. In between the races we had good physical relationship.
After he left from US again he called me only for a few days and then stopped, I had to keep calling him and he would act the same way I am busy and no time for me. When I had a miscarriage, following his visit to US, I mailed him the doctors details and asked him to talk to her. He was not interested. He mailed me his vacation schedule for Dec 2013 ad since my health was not good I could not go to India and I stayed back. Although he was in India for 2 months neither his parents nor he ever called me to find out how I was doing.
After that, once he was back in March 2014 again I called him and told him that if this relationship has to materialize, we need to stay together and for that I am willing to resign my job in US and relocate to Korea and to process my application for me to visit Korea and he never processed it. In April 30th, I told him I had already talked to my employer and given a notice to resign from June 2014 and I want to pack everything and send to Korea and to please send me the visa papers and he told he is not interested to send it to me and not to resign my job in US.
In June 2014 my dad was admitted in hospital in ICU and I booked my tickets called Ashok many times with no response. I then emailed him the details of my tickets and I went to India. When I was in India he called me a few times, after my father was discharged I told him I want to visit his parents and he told me I can go on June 30th only because his parents are not at home. All through I was told he was in Korea and when I visited his home, his parents told me he is in Europe on a vacation. I was shocked and sad to hear it. They gave me my gold back on June 30th 2014. July 5 was my wedding anniversary and I asked his father to ask him to come to India but he told me he will tell Ashok if he calls them. And I never heard back from them. On July 5 my MIL calls me and asks me to go to temple and pray for my married life and she said she hasn’t heard from Ashok yet.
Later I called again after a week asking them again where Ashok is so that I can book my tickets to visit him on my way back to US and all that they said was they don’t know anything about him.
Then I booked my tickets back to US and came back because I had already taken more than 6 weeks of vacation and I had not resigned my job officially yet as mentioned I went on an emergency to India.
Since I was so much mentally shattered after I came back, I had severe bleeding which lasted for more than 35 days and the doctor asked me to take blood tests, scans etc and decided to do the DNC procedure. When my date to be admitted to hospital was fixed I called Ashok’s parents and also sent many mails to Ashok and he just replied to my mail to take care and never had the courtesy to call me or visit me. All the hospital bills can be produced if needed. There was no courtesy or sympathy at this point knowing very well that I was suffering all by myself and living alone.
And then when he came back on Sept 1st he told me he never cared about my health and anything related to me.
Later on he sent me a mail about his vacation schedule to visit India. In between I used to call his parents because they complained that I never call them and speak to them.
So in December since I don’t know how my life is going to be, nobody (neither ashok nor his parents) have told me that where I am going to live or my married life I had to take off based on no pay leave and bought the available ticket to Mumbai which they made me cancel and go to my home in Kolkata I had to go to Chennai and stay in the there till I got my ticket to Kolkata taking all the troubles to set my married life.
And on Dec 28 ashok visit my home with his BIL and his mother and tells that he wants a divorce based on allegations against me
1. The Dec 2012 trip to US which I asked him not to come although my intentions were very clear
2. 2 years of marriage he never had any FINANCIAL BENEFIT which I never understood
3. We stay in 2 different countries (although I had given him Visa for US I never had a visa to visit Korea)
At the end of the conversation I told him tell me exactly what you want me to do to make it work he said he wants 2 days to think and then he will get back to me
Please remember at this point I am on a no pay vacation I had only one way ticket and I had to book my return tickets back.
I was till patient and waited and then he called me and asked me to resign and come to India in June and to go back to US now. I was not ready just to go back to US I told him I can resign only if he tells me where he is going to get a job. He was very reluctant to tell me that and said that was his responsibility. I told him to come to my home now and take me with him to his home so that I can stay with him for a few days and go to Mumbai and apply for jobs so that he will know my job prospectus and then decide what is the best that can be done and he was not ready to do that saying he is busy.
I asked him what he was busy with and he told me he has to attend a conference in Gujarat and so I told him I will come with you there but he doesn’t want to take me there so I asked him then with which other girl are you going there? Since I have taken so much trouble to come all the way to meet you with so much of financial loss he was not ready to talk to me and told he wants a divource immediately.
After that I waited for 2 days and I booked my tickets and came back to US
I came back with a huge debt I have to pay my rent 1200$, car loan of 500$ and all my expenses and 3 weeks of no pay added to it along with a ticket for 1000$ to India and back from india is 1200$. And the most sad part I can’t take a vacation now and no days of leave and so much of mental torture attached to it. My career my work everything has suffered and I have to really work hard to get back all the things in place.
Despite all this, I still love Ashok and want to live with him together – anywhere in the world. I am most willing to relocate and support him, to make this marriage work. I also think just a simple quarrel is not a foundation to get divorced, especially since we haven’t lived together. All I want him to understand is marriage is not a child’s play, that just because he is a man, he can overpower without adequate reasons and throw a woman out. I also want him to understand that for every husband and wife quarrel, if divorce is the solution, then there will never be married couple in this world. The solution is first to stay together, plan a family, support each other and has respect and show compassion to each other rather than marrying for a FINANCIAL BENEFIT.