my dispute with father and mother
Respected Sir / Ma'am,
I am Amit (31 years) and would like to seek advice from you. Presently I'm in conflict with my Father and Mother. Here is the problem :
Since childhood, I have seen my father dominating everyone. I have seen him drinking, fighting, shouting, etc. I have many times seem him hitting my chachi, mother, sister, Buaa ji and with other people. Voices of cry, shouting used to go out and people often used to listen him fighting. If i go out, people, my friends used to ask me about it and I used to feel ashamed.
Infact, he don't have healthy relationships with his 2 small brothers. He has never been involved with me or my sister or with other members as "family". Except for few occasions we never had diner together or watched movies, etc. Whenever he used to go somewhere, he used to carry drink in car, get drunk and use to fight with people post getting drunk.
Infect he never use to even knew in which class I'm studying. Sometimes in childhood, he used to burn my hands, hit me on my small innocent mistakes.
He was into business and closed his business about 20 years ago. My grandmother had house in her name in Delhi (300 sq. yrd.) which he he forced to sell because we hardly had money. Even though it was in my grandmother's name, he was the ruler. My grandmother, my chachaji (one of them is mentally challenged) used to live in one room whereas 3 rooms were with us and 1 room was with 2nd chachaji.
House was sold in Delhi at Rs. 60 - 70 lacks (officially i think 50,000 Lacks and rest in black) and then purchased another house from this amount in Rohini delhi at a cost of 30 Lacks. He took his share, his mothers share, chachaji's (mentally challanged) share with himself and THEN kept my grandmother, buaji (divorced) & chachaji again in 1 room. All they used to get was MAX 30-40 Rs. a day
On the other hand, 1 complete floor belonged to US and other floor belonged to 2nd Chanchaji. Important thing is that again home was taken in my grandmother's name. This house was only 100SQ
My father tried to setup a new business with some money in hand post sale of old house and failed again. My sister got married as soon as new house was purchased since we had money. An amount of 15-17 lacs were spent in her marriage. Few years pasted and again we ran out of money. So he again decided to sale this house in years 2004-5 (dates needs to be verified) for 60 Lacks.
This time he decided to leave delhi and go to punjab and I preferred to stay in Delhi on Rent since I wanted to build my career so that I can stand on myself. My mother somehow managed to give me Rs. 1,00,000 for my leaving. At this point of time, I requested them to invest in LAND so that there future can be made secure.
My jiju was running into some crises with him brother (he was in business with his 2 brothers) so my father lent him money 20-30 lacs in lieu of 2-3 % interest so that they have a income from them. My jiju opened a company and added my father as Partner (because his money was invested). Somehow this company also didn;t worked and business was closed.
According to my father, Jiju has not yet returned full amount yet (including interest). In year 2010, I decided to buy a house (since I learned a lot from my parents mistake) and requested my parent to give me some amount for "down payment". This amount is somewhere 5,50,000 which we managed to get from Jiju. My jiju and father both tried that my homes registry can be made in joint name which I refused and finally got my house. I have been paying EMIs since then. I was 26-27 yrs old at that time. The reason that I brought this house was the fact that I knew I have to support my parents and futue wife.
I have been working very hard since years and earling money. Sometimes 18-20 hours a day.
In 2010, I came to know that my parents are in conflict with my sister and jiju because of money. According to Jiju, he paid full amount whereas my parents says, they haven't. My parents broke relations with them (this is not new for me. Since childhood, I have seen my parents only braking relations with family members and friends and then filling legal cases against them).
I asked my parents many times to come and live with me (i was staying alone in my house) but they refused. According to my mother, due to my fathers rude behavior, its better to leave separately.
In yr 2011 - Or 2012, my father felt pain in his heart and I called him to my home and took him for checkup at MAX hospital. He was diagnose with "possible heart attack" and we admitted him immediately. My mother arranged money from different sources (including jiju). I gave Rs. 30,000 /- and did everything I could to ensure he is safe. I was full day and night with him in hospital, doing consultations with doctor, staff, and with dad himself because I still love them.
He promised that he'll leave drinking since doctor advised this strongly. Just few months after he went back to punjab, he again continued drinking. He used to beat my buaji and again I could see those things which I have been watching him doing since years i.e. killing relationships and emotions. I found that my mother has also changed a lot. She used to search my draws, almeras to see what all things I have got ( I was 27-28 that time). They started discussion with me about my marriage for which I said Yes because it was getting difficult for me to manage things.
At this point, my parents asked me to marry only a working girl so that she can also support them during old age. I was shocked when I listed this and understood what they are upto.
For 1.5 or more, we searched for a sole mate for me. Everyone during this process (girls and there parents) I met was pleased with me but when it came to my family and background, they used to refused. They could easily judge my parents. At this point, my parents told me that they do not have money but will manage to get money for my marriage from my jiju.
I requested my parents to tell everything TRUTH about money, our financial situations,etc to families we are meeting for my marriage. To this, they objected very sharply and forced me to tell lies like my father is into property business, they have shops and houses as PROPERTY and FDs in bank. When I asked them to dont lie and tell truth, they said go and do marriage yourself.
I'm sure you can understand how a guy will feel when he is being rejected for last 1.5 yrs and parents are also not supporting.
On my part, I was telling truth to all families I was meeting. I wanted my relation to start with trust, honest and love.
Finally, I found a family who understood me. I shared everything with girl before getting into relationship. But on the other hand, my parents shared fake information with her family that we have money, houses, shops, etc and that he lent more then 1 Crore to my jiju. On the other hand, I shared all genuine / truth about this with girl so that she can share with her family and decide if she really wants to go with me.
Her family clearly told me that we liked you and are giving girl to you because of your sincerity else would have refused.
Since I was aware of situations, I wanted to request my father-in-law and my wife's family to get us married in Mandir to avoid expenditures as they also have limited resources.
To this, my parents objected and said that they want good gathering and wanted to call all there friend circle, relatives. There total strength was 35 people approx.
Now again keeping in mind money, I requested them not to do any function independently and instead do only one function i.e. marriage and divide cost with my father-in-law. This was good for everyone even though I & my wife had some dreams for marriage but for sake of both families, we decided to share this proposal.
At this point my parents agreed but forced my in-laws to give heavy goods / gifts to all relatives / friends coming from side. I really hated this and strongly opposed. But since things were in my parents hands and I could not risk my marriage, I had no option left but to agree to my parents demands.
Just 5-10 days before marriage, my parents said we have NO money for marriage because jiju haven;t given money. I was totally left out. I shared this with my "to be wife" and gave her options to quit this relationship. It was her and her families greatness that they still wished to continue.
2 functions were done i.e. Sagai + marriage and full cost was given by girls family. I requested my parents not to make arrangements for Hard-drinks to which they again reacted negatively. I hated harddrinks because I knew it will create problems.
On the day of my marriage, my father was over drunk and was caught while driving by police. On request of my father-in-law, police agreed to relieve my father. This was the time when I was sitting on mundap for Fere and no one from my family was nearby. My father was caught by police and other relatives went to room for rest.
My father-in law managed to call few famility members and my father and mother also came and finally fere could happen. At the time of this incident, my mother was speaking rudely with members from my inlaws
After fere, once we reached home, my mother took all jewellery with her from my fine, including all money she got from people as SHAGUN. My wife never ever said anything.
I took new loan and purchased beds, decorations, car and honeymoon trip from this money. this loan was taken before marriage. Bank made my father co-borrower along with me for both home loan and this personal loan since I was unmarried. This is to clarify that my parents never ever paid any emi ever.I have been doing it since home was purchased.
While we were on our honeymoon, we came to know many things that my parents did. I got this information from my in-laws when I forced them to share because I know my father was drunk and there would have been more.
After I got information from in-laws, I confirmed those things from my very close friends and some good relatives.
As soon as I came back from my honeymoon, my parents started asking for money from my wife in some or the other way. This happened in front of me. They wanted to get money from my wife's parents.
At this point, I thought that I have to take a hard step else my and my wife's life will end. I clearly told my parents that I do not want to keep any relationships with them.
They kept on calling my wife for money and on the other hand sending me false message "Beta, we miss you" so that it created confusions between me and my wife. I was not in touch with my parents but my wife and her parents were. They were trying there best that things can be sorted out and families can get together. I also came to know that my parents have shifted to DELHI and living with one of her friend. I have no idea if they have money or not. They started to threaten me that they will file case against me.
When they know that they will not get anything from me / my wife or in-laws they contacted a lawer and I got a summon from Delhi This hazaari court via a advocate to provide "Rs. 40,000" per month maintenance and sayin that my wife has . I could not believe this. Are they really my parents ?
I have 4-5 loans amounting to Rs. 25,000 which I have to pay every month then house hold expenditures, medical of my wife, etc. Due to my financial conditions, my wife is also working. She have been supporting me everywhere in my life whereas my parents have been doing in-appropriate things. I don't feel good to call them as my parents because good parents don;t do this. I have been working since age of 17 continuously and never did such wrong things. Not sure why my parents are doing this.
My mother has become very clever. She starts crying in front of people to gain there sympathy and prove my wife and we have done wrong with them.
You are requested to please help me by providing some guidance on how can I deal with this ?